| I'm the villian |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|09:08 pm] |
why is it that you give your heart to someone and they treat you like shit
and when you come to your fuckin sense about why you are with them
and realize you had no business being with them
they finally give a fuck about you
and they are the ones that are hurt????
So me and Thuy have been broken up since about June. I always vocalize my feelings about whats going on between us
I've always told her how she make me feel or whatever.
Well today I was out having lunch with my friend Lizzy who I usually talk to about anything
and Thuy calls me twice and I ignore her calls cuz she always hit me up when Im out with someone
well the second time she call, I accidently accept instead of ignore
she hears me talking to Lizzy about our relationship problems and why we broke up.
It's nothin I haven't already told her and she gets really angry at me which I understand
but it's like I can't help we didn't work out. The truth is we got back together through lies and manipulation
she didn't give a shit about me and still I did whatever she wanted
I changed my entire life for her.
But it was me who was stupid because I knew the whole time what she was doin like still talkin to her exs and I knew we shouldnt have moved together
but i wanted so badly for it to work out
I felt I owed it to myself and to Caress.... no way could i have broken up with Caress to just be with thuy for short term then it would have been for nothing
its just messed up that she finally gives a damn about me and expect me not to feel the way I do about her
I tried so hard to make the relationship work
I sacrificed everything possible and she sacrificed nothing.
nothing about her changed...every direction she took in life was for her benefit and had nothing to do with what i wanted
but its my own fault for letting her have that control over me
and now she doesn't and it sucks because i'm made to be the villian because I finally got the fucking clue that I deserved better.
I'm the villian because I'm still attached to a girl(Caress) that was there for me right then...who wanted to be with me right then
and not drag me along like thuy did
I'm the villian because I'm no longer in love with the person i've spent the last 2 years of my life with
I'm the villian because I want someone to treat me with the respect that I treat them
I'm the villian because I want a social life again
I'm the villian because I want control of my life again
I'm the villian because I still want to be cool with her but not be with her.... can we be around each other and not be together
I'm the villian because I talk to someone about the shit that's bein going in my life
I'm the villian because I want to fuckin happy
she act like I'm so wrong for talking to Lizzy about this stuff
its not like shes a random person. Lizzy has been my friend for a long time and she was there when I was trippin over Thuy before we got back together.
I can't help that I want more out of a person that I'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with
Thuy treats me like what I want and say doesn't matter...she say she changed cuz she's not secretly talkin shit about me to her exes or trying to get with them and she says she changed cuz she don't care if I go out with friends
She hasn't changed.... she just holds back on bitchin but she still bitches.
Why did it take her so fuckin long to see that I was the REAL FUCKIN DEAL and now that she sees that I'm suppose to forget all she put me through and just keeping trying to make it work.
Its not going to work unless she's a completely different person
I gave so much of myself to be with her that I don't even want to be in another serious relationship
I don't want to love
I dont want to fully care for anyone
I dont want to get close to anyone
I want to stay clear of love because it fuckin tore me apart.
she dont understand that
she says she does but why the hell does she still act the way she does
i have to not be with her
I need to build up who I am again
i dont know who i am anymore
you dont know what I went through mentally
I'm so insecure now and dependent
i wasnt like that before
she's so fuckin hurt because I'm not in love with her and dont want to be together
but does she really know my pain
to know that I put all this energy into this and for it to not work
all i gave up
she doesnt fuckin know
its all about her
I'm the asshole huh????
fuckin makes me wanna cry.....
i said i regret geting back with her and maybe i do because if i hadnt i wouldnt have gone through all this
i wouldnt be stuck on a girl miles away because we wouldve lived out our relationship
I seem to have an issue with closure
but I'm the idiot, its my own fault.
I allowed it all to happen
because I thought I was in love
I thought i would spend the rest of my life with this girl
I wanted to be back with her so bad at any cost
and look what it cost me.....i asked for too much |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|06:56 pm] |
damn i've been single for a few months and well....
I like being single but at the same time I need attention
since my relationship with Thuy has failed, I haven't really been feeling "special"
you know the feeling you get when you're with someone who likes you and you like them
and you're all giggly and shit
well I would love to feel like that but without being in a relationship
I've always loved being single
I only got into a relationship with Thuy cuz I was in love with her but other than that I love being single
my previous relationships before I got back with thuy didn't last long like they should have
I still need some attention you know but I'm a homebody now pretty much
so I guess that's out the window
But I will remain single until I find someone that I'm sure it will last long with
I want to start casually dating again
but a lot of the girls I talk to here and there seem to want relationships and
to be "wifed" up... count me out
why can't we just kick it, you know what I mean |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|10:04 pm] |
REAL ID/ RFID (ppl actually consenting to this shit are u fucking kidding me)
New World Order
Extension of Executive Powers
Bilderberg Group
Bohemian Grove
IBM
911
Civil Liberties
Another "terrorist" attack soon
Global Warming?
Super Highways
NAU
??????????
I'll leave it at that
"I hope you got yourself a gun"-Nas
and a gas mask |
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| Hello again LJ... its been a while |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|08:14 pm] |
I haven't posted on Livejournal in a while... I stopped posting after I realized Thuy was reading my entries
I also stopped posting because I felt I shouldnt air my air my business to anyone that it didn't concern
that's also why I don't post a billion blogs on myspace anymore
that been stopped
Two years has gone by....I've changed... A LOT!!!
I used to be this big party girl.....drinking.fucking.smoking.dancing.not giving a fuck.
It seems not I'm the complete opposite.....I just started drinking a little again once I turned 21... not much....maybe one drink at Chillis.....or a six pack at home alone when I'm depressed.
I don't do drugs....at all
dancing...well I would love to but I don't have a social life.....being with the same person for two years plus can do that to you...I don't do the club thing anymore
I do give a fuck about a lot of things....I'm big into my race and my sexuality....I care about people's perception of black people and gay people....I care about the youth of the nation... I'm all for TRUE HIP HOP and keeping the black communities true culture alive.
I'm a little more racist now...I know thats not a good thing... I'm not proud of it..... but because of some things I've been through... my grudge against white america is growing.
My relationship with thuy has ended....I ended it because well because that's what happens when two people are together for a while and have too many problems. We still live together in our small ass apartment in lame Marietta....I still love her but I need to be single for a while
I'm going to Kennesaw State and majoring in something I don't have any interest in. I don't know what I really want to do
I don't have many friends anymore....the relationship thing does that to you....I cared more about being in a relationship than friends and now I don't have as many and the relationship is over.....I'll have to work on that.
I'm so picky when it comes to the ppl I talk to or date or whatever....before I was like whatever....let me just date this girl cuz I'm bored who cares if I'm leading her on but now I actually do care and I won't get involved with someone unless I think it's worth it. I don't makeout with people just for fun anymore....no more random hook ups.... Higher standards I guess.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I have a boring ass life now but at least I've grown and become more mature. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2007|09:56 am] |
I'm tired of eveything
and I do mean everything
I'm ready for change and I'm ready now
I can't wait till I go to school and move into my apt....
well me and Thuy's apt....we already signed the lease and everything....
just waiting for our move in date July 31
school and working is going to kick my ass but i'm just tired of where I'm at now
so I guess I'm ready for new problems
because problems aren't going to go away
I'm just ready for new ones instead of the same old ones |
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| speaking of.... |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|10:28 pm] |
Christmas this year
whatever....
got an ipod
grandma got in terrible terrible car wreck
had bunch of Vietnamese food instead of soul food
spent it away from my girlfriend
speaking of.... i love Thuy but we fight so much....we cant agree on so many things and its starting to wear me down and lately i've been finding myself questioning our future together. I miss the peace and calm that comes with being single but then again we do have really good moments and i feel the good out weighs the bad, but sometimes i just dont know. I dont want to be without her but i feel if it were to end i wouldnt be as devistated as i was the first time around....dont get it twisted...i do want to be with her but she hasnt changed much in the 7 months that we've been together where its that i changed so much about me...i have no social life and hardly no real friends anymore because i got back with her and now me movin in with her family doesnt make it any better.....not to mention if her mom finds out that we're gay then my life is over....i just given up so much and she hasnt and she doesnt understand that so i push for a change because i'm afraid that if they dont then i will only cheat and fuck up.... i know its not justified and its a terrible thing to do but i do see why ppl cheat.....we've already both cheated on each other both offenses equal in the circumstances in which they happened... i guess....i just want to get pass all the fights and misunderstandings so this relationship can be what it once was but women dont let shit go....i dont know i guess i'm just tired and i'm mad about the sacrifices i've made and i think they go unappreciated |
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| I hurt the person i really love |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|01:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
So i decided to move in with Thuy and her family and move out of the apt i was staying in but i'm really scared of her mom findding out that we're more than just friends....and on top of that Thuy is a lil controlling so i feel me staying there i wont have much freedom and plus living under her moms rules....i cant just leave in the middle of the night if i feel like it or come home at 3 in the morning and thats a lot to deal with....I've faught for my freedom since 10 grade....i need it...its everything to me so i'm bout to give it all up....the other night i got drunk with my girl roommate just cuz i wont be able to drink anymore and i dont drink anymore period but just to get it out of the way....I've been tryin to convince Thuy to come out to her mom so at least we would know what her mom thought about it and if she got kicked out then i would still be in my apt and she could come live with me but she changed her mind about telling her....so i decided that until i move in with thuy which will be in January or by Christmas then we should go on a break...not a break where we can see other ppl but just time away from each other....so i can just really enjoy these last days and also give me time to think if this is what i want....I really feel like I sold out to myself...i'm doin everything that i'm against in my life....workin this 9-5, letting my relationship keep from truly just living my life, moving in with someone when i know i'm giving up my freedom, i dont live for the moment anymore....i just work and i always thought life was more about so much more than that....but thats all i do when i have the ability to do more....i'm just not happy with my life...i feel like i have no control over it anymore....i love Thuy dont get me wrong and i'm happy with her but she is very controlling....and i try to keep her happy cuz i love her instead of doing things that i want to do.....WELL ANYWAYS.....last night i told her i wanted to go on break and soon as i said that she just started sayin "NO NO NO NO NO NO".....and started crying....and when i tried to talk to her she was just like "leave me alone"...and i could tell she was really hurt...out of the fights we had the other times i made her cry i never seen her so hurt......it hurt me really bad to hurt her....she thought it was mostly about her but its not....i just want time to myself before i take this big step of doin somethin that is so not me....but she dont understand me and wanting to live life and all that.....she think everything is black and white with no gray area.....so we stayed on the phone all night crying....and ended up falling alseep and waking up on the phone the next day.....she came to see me at work when she got out of school.......and she couldnt even really look at me...and when she finally did she had tears pouring down her face and that made me start crying...i had already told her that i dont want the break anymore....and that i was sorry for hurting her and she can forgive me but she cant forget....I feel so bad....cuz now i really hurt her and i dont even want to go on a break anymore but now she's gonna have the thought that i did in the back of her head everyday....but i love her so much and i do want to be with her.....just everything is changing so quick and i dont know what to do about any of it |
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| hey |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|06:01 pm] |
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so i havent written in my LJ since i dont know how long......Me and thuy are still doin good.....its been 6 months and 2 days that we've been back together......it seems like 2 years......she spent Thanksgiving with me yesterday.....it was cool she got to meet my family from Commerce....they like her.....i few weeks back her mom was thinkin abour renting out Ricky's room in there ouse cuz they need help on their mortgage which is extremely high.....i was going to do it but there are more cons to it than pros and plus i already moved into an apt on Pleasant Hill rd. with Heath....so i dunno...i think its a better idea for me not to move into her mom......but yeah... ummmm.....it gets hard sometimes with thuy because we do argue alot....over stupid stuff that we already argued about.....she cant let stuff go and she dont make much effort to change things that would help our relationship but i'm always changing things for our sake....so i dunno....but i love her so much and she loves me and we're still gettin married.........so yeah.......i love Le Thi ThanhThuy |
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| 5 months |
[Oct. 22nd, 2006|09:56 am] |
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So today makes 5 months that Thuy and I have been back together.....today was suppose to be the day that i gave her the ring but since she was so nosy in my car she got it alot quicker.....but yeah........... her mom left oCTober 3 to go to Vietnam with her 6 year old brother Ricky so i've been living at her house ever since but her mom comes back Oct 27.....i dont have my apt anymore cuz my roommate didnt renew the lease and i've been tryin to get an apartment with my best friend trisha but she's been fuckin up so when thuy's mom come back i have to go back to oakwood and drive to snellville everymorning for work and its gonna be hard to szee thuy so i'm tryin to find another place to live ....i wish trisha didnt waste all my time...i couldve been had a newn place.....i could get one alone but i want a roomate so i wont have to spend all my money on bills.....but yeah....i love Thuy so much....we're such a married couple.....we dont fight as much as regular married ppl but we do have our arguments but they dont last long.....i think we have more sex than normal married couples.....she's such an asian sex freak....she wasnt before....but she says i make her so horny and just kissing me puts her in the mood....but living with her for almost a month has been like living with her for real.....we're so perfect for each other....she's met the part of my family that i grew up around....i love my wife....she's everything to me....she took me to a vietnamese restuarant and i learned how to eat chop sticks...since her mom has been gone we've done so much together but its gonna suck when she comes back cuz i wont be able to fall asleep with her in my arms and wake up next to her.....i love you Le Thi Thanh Thuy......thats her real name.....its like backwards in Vietnamese....in American its Thuy THanh THi Le....... |
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| money? |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|12:23 pm] |
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i need to win the lotto.... i want out of both of my jobs so bad.....my first one is killin me cuz i cant be myself and have to pretend to be someone i'm not and i hate that shit so much...not to mention that i dont belong anywhere in a office....my second i can be all of who i am....but its tiring and the pay sucks....i make good at my first one but i just want to be rich so i can have my fuckin life back.....I'm trapped in this world and i want out....but i cant get out.....what a corporate setup....i need hella money to support me and my wife.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|11:03 am] |
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so yeah...life is good...i love my wife...we had a couple of probs last week and i was gonna divorce her but we gettin through it.....friday the 22nd will be 4 months we've been back together....it seems a hell of a lot longer...but yeah i love Thuy...and she loves me...but yeah i'm moving to a new apt in about a month.....close to where i'm at now wit my best friend trisha.. |
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| how sweet |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|05:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
so yeah, yesterday i was workin at Journey's ( my second job at Discover Mills)......and i went to the drink machine to get JR (one of the manager's) a drink but i ran into my ex Shabana and talked to her for a minute and theni realized that i had to hurry and get JR's drink cuz i had to get back to work but i didnt have time to get mine so i brought him his and a lil later he was lik "you aint gonna get u a drink?" and i was like yeah so i went up there and was gettin a drink when i noticed a reflection in the window of a restaurant that looked like my wife (Thuy, as if u didnt know...lol) so i was like "THUY" and sure enough it was her and as she walked around she looked shocked...she had a bouquet of roses behind her back.....she didnt expect me to be right there.....and she was all mad cuz i ruined her surprise......she was like "why the fuck are u on break, why arent u at work????" and i was like "awww baby you're so sweet, I love you" and she was like "I hate you!"....lol....it was so cute.....and i was like awww will u marry me and of course she said yes for the third time....lol..but yeah her plan was to come up there have some random person come into journeys and hand me the roses and she stand to the side so i couldnt see her but she could see me and when i got the roses she text me "i thought u needed some new roses for your room" or somethin like that......well even though her plan got ruined by me being on break....it was the thought that count......
well today.....i got off work early so i went and bought her a pretty gift bag with a pretty candle and some fake flowers so they wont die on her and a card.....and i went to her school around the time she was getting out....i put the bag on top of her car and parked off to the side......and i waited to she came to the car and looked at the gift bag and then i put our song "Never be Replaced" by 1st ladi on blast on my radio and then she looked over at me and came up to my car and kissed me......too bad she alreay saw my car before she even got to my car.....next time i plan to do somethin for her i'm gonna think it out more carefully.....but yeah......I love Thuy and she makes me the happiest person in the world.....and anybody who try to fuck wit her will have to answer to me....... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2006|04:11 pm] |
so i'm really depressed......my aunt has been in the hospital for about a week and i've been visiting her almost everyday goin back and forth to Athens my hometown and she died Saturday....her funeral is wednesday. this weekend my car started fuckin up...the transmission has been bad since before i even started driving it and now on the way to work this morning it messed completely up...now i have no car to drive and have to hitch rides to work which is hard so how much longer will i have my job, how much longer will i have a place to live if i dont have the job to pay the rent.....i cant afford to pay about $2000 to get a transmission fixed ....and what sucks is i'm not the one who fucked the transmission up....this really sucks....
also this mornin i get in to work and i dont really talk to anyone cuz i'm so down and then this really nice and funny guy Jon asked me how my aunt was doin and i told him she died and when i tried to explain i just couldnt hold it and i broke down and started crying at work....i hate crying in front of ppl....when my mom found out my aunt died she was a wreck so i kept my tears back to be strong for her....thats maybe why i cried at work cuz i didnt have to be strong for anyone....but it still sucks and it sucks that my aunt is dead and it sucks that my car is fucked up and it sucks that i dont have a lot of money or ppl to go to for help at times like these...I'm on my own and it sucks....no safety net.....no one to call.....it sucks |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|12:36 pm] |
havent been here in a while....but i have to say that now my fave movie is Memoirs of a Geisha and not because i'm into Asian girls....excuse, hott asian girls i mean....cuz i'm actually mostly into black girls and then asian girls would be second...but its because that movie is just so great.....but yeah
wwell Thuy and I are still doin great....our 3 month anniversary is comin up....and still plan on movin in together and gettin married....her mama leaves for Vietnam October 7 and she comin back the 27...and our 5month anniversary is on the 22nd.....that means we'll be spendin all that time together with no worries and also that means 24/7 orgasms....lol...but yeah...so i finally gave Thuy the title of being the sex i ever had...she took that title away from Shabana on Monday...which she has been tryin to do for sometime....but yeah...hahaha....
I love Thuy so much....we're incredible together and we're the hottest lesbian couple in G-County...yessir holla atcha boi
but yeah...gotta go |
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| text mssgs |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|12:31 pm] |
Thuy: do u think things will change when we move in 2gether?
Me: yeah a lil but not much
Thuy: i think it will change in a good way
ME: yeah me too but we'll just be together all the time you might get tired of me
Thuy: No u mite get tired of me bitchin all the time
ME: No I'll never get tired of you baby
Thuy: we'll have 2 C
Me: yes we will. i can't wait to be with you
THuy: wat u talkin bout we already 2gether lol. I love u baby I dnt kno y I ever left u
Me: cuz you needed to know what life is like without me but yeah i love you too forever and always baby |
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| Chilli from TLC at Discover Mills...she a bitch yo |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|10:02 am] |
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So Thuy and I were at Jillians at Discover Mills yesterday and just at the counter so they can count our tickets and i look up and i see Chilli from TLC standin in the line to get a prize with two kids, one being her son. I dont know who the otha child was. So I'm like yo thats Chilli and THuy was like no it aint and i say go ask her so thuy wallk almost all the way to her and was like NO THATS NOT HER all loud and shit...so i'm like maybe it aint cuz she look uglier in person and a lil elderly......so we go over to that line so Thuy lil bro can get a prize and we just standin behind her and she was givin us the evil eye.....THuy was like why she lookin at me like that...and thuy and i were holdin each other in a girlfriend type way so she just lookin so evil at us....then she get out of line and sat down on somethin behind me....and while i'm takin a pic of thuy's booty wit my camera phone Chilli walks up to me and tap me on my shoulder and with a attitude voice she said HOW OLD ARE YOU. Im like 19..she was like 19 mmhmm and she point to Thuy and say HOW OLD IS SHE.... I'm like 17 WHY?...i had to get loud wit her cuz why she questionin me.....she ws like just askin and she walk back over to the counter then when it was THuy's turn in line her and dem kids who got out of line and jum in front of thuy..and thuy was like why she jump in front of me and was just cussin and shit.....so short ass Chilli leave...yes she short as hell...shorter than Thuy i think....so we talklin and was like that lady such a bitch and i was like Ol' Chilli look alike ass....and the girl who work at Jillians was like that was her...she in here all the time and she so rude...ppl was takin pics wit her earlier......she was rude as fuck yo.....i swear....i just support TL not C now....ol' short ass wit no body |
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| last entry continued |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|11:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
...so we been saying we're gonna get married for the longest but never really took it seriously an friday she said i needed to put a ring on her finger and i had till sunday to get the ring but it was just a joke ya know......well we had some drama happen....pretty much fuckas not knowing what they talkin bout and tryin to convince thuy that i cheated on her with this guy i use to talk to. DONT ASK!!! well its not true and after all that drama with both of us crying i was talkin to her on the phone and i was like "well i know it isnt Sunday and i didnt get a chance to get a ring but will you marry me?" and she said yes baby i will and she was crying but she said she wasnt well yesterday she told me that she actually was cryin when i asked her because she was so happy that i did and she didnt think i really wanted to marry her....so yeah.....also yesterday was Ricky's bday and we went to Chucke Chesse....turns out her racist mom really likes me...she gave me a hug and all...and not one of those fake parent huggs but a real one....and thuy's co workers were there and i thought they was gonna tell her mama i'm gay cuz they know but they didnt they just put in a good word for me to her mame...it was kinda weird me being the only person around not knowing Vietnamese......only black person but it was cool....i'm glad her family likes me and now my family likes her cuz before they didnt since she treated me so bad and hurt me but thats in the past....she's my wifey to be....but yeah imma ask her again the right way with a ring and all on one knee when i get the chance but the moment i did felt right so i just went with it |
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| We're engaged |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|09:13 am] |
We're engaged
i proposed she said yes |
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| this much happiness comes with glitches |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|11:04 am] |
so i'm depressing myself cuz i keep having dreams or thoughts that Thuy is going to leave me......
last night i went and chilled with my ex Shabana from like 10:30pm to 12am.......we just talked....nothin else.....shabana is the only other girl i ever liked or cared about other than Thuy....we talked about life, GOD and other religions, my job, money problems and how we need a get rich quick scheme or need to sell drugs(lol),and my relationship with Thuy.........i cant really have intellectual conversations with thuy like i can with Shabana.....Shabana is alot more mature but although i do really care about Shaban still i didnt let that distract me....i would never cheat on Thuy although it would be so easy to.
but the thing is, I asked Thuy if it bothered her that i hung out wit Shabana and she said no cuz it wouldnt be fair cuz she hangs wit her exs but that just says she doenst mind only out of fairness but she say if she didnt have exsx to hang with then she would mind me hanging wit shabana and then we got on this whole ex girlfriend convo and she tells me i should worry about Alyssa cuz she really is tryin to get back with her......and say well dont hang around her and she's like well Alyssa is cool ppl to hang with and that she dont be around her much anyway.....BUT STILL.....
i know if i told her that Shabana is tryin to get back with me then she would get mad if i hang around her and wouldnt want me to......
my problem is i voice to thuy all my problems with that and my fear of her leaving me....and that could make things not good so i should quit letting her know when i'm jealous......although thuy and i have so much in common, we are different...especially when it comes to these situations |
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insanejane522's journal
so serious
who is that sexsi silly gurl
i was hungry as hell eatin that pizza
Ricky and Chuckie
i dunno why this heifa got my hat on
her senior pic...she had it blown up and put on her wall in her room
I love when we just lay in bed together and sleep
her flash on her camera too bright....i need to buy her a new one